it's like waiting for rain as I stand in the desert..

hope.

First of all, I'd like to start by apologizing for the photo that I had posted earlier. I figured that since it was my blog I could really post whatever I liked, with that said, I understand that the photo was distasteful for the audience that reads my blog and I'll keep that in mind for future posts.

Now for an update. Last Wednesday I dislocated my right shoulder while on a backcountry skiing outing with my Outdoor Leadership class and had to hike 3 miles out to the trailhead where I then proceeded to get in a van, go to the ER, and wait patiently for the doctors to reduce my dislocation. I was then prescribed Vicodin (which I'm not really taking anymore) and have had one follow up doctor's appointment (which told me nothing that I didn't already know) and a MRI. My next follow up appointment will be this Thursday at 9:30am, I'm hoping that after the MRI readings that the doctor will have a better sense on whether or not I need surgery of if I simply need physical therapy for the next few months.

Forest, my ODS advisor, has informed me that if surgery is necessary that I will have to withdraw from the program because my recovery time will not allow me to continue on with the outdoor skills classes and I will be unable to attend the Capstone, which would mean that I wouldn't have the opportunity to complete the certificate. This news has really brought me down. I've been working so hard to be at the same skill and fitness level as everyone else, and now I feel as though all of that is lost.

I know I am getting ahead of myself, but the idea of surgery terrifies me. Not because doctors would be inside my shoulder cutting and sewing my ligaments, but because I wouldn't be able to finish something that I have worked so hard towards. What terrifies me even more is the idea that with surgery also means an end to this fantastic life that I've just now established here in Alaska. I'm not happy if I'm not surrounded by the people I love and doing the things I love. Not that I don't love my family in Maine, but I'd hate to have to leave all of this behind to literally sit on my ass and do nothing for a few months waiting for summer, waiting for recovery.

I know my family would want me to be home if I were to have surgery, but more than anything I want to be surrounded by the support system I've created here. I want to be able to walk out my door and see these views. I want to continue having my breath taken away with every new experience.

Maine simply cannot compare.

There isn't much more for me to say. I feel as though I have a lot of school work, physical training work coming up in the very near future. However, my thoughts have turned so negative and I have lost all motivation to even start anything because I worry that I will get bad news on Thursday. So until then..I guess all we can do is hope for the best.

there's a big, a big hard sun..

A fantastic end to a wonderful avi class!

another day in paradise

Rachel Matsko..she's loving Alaska thus far

looking a bit pathetic..but loving every second!

the whole gang :)

I hope the sun stays forever!!

the view is alright..

Kevin (instructor) & Eric teaching some belaying techniques

Rachel & Anna

more belaying techniques for rescues and snow tests

2014 Personal Training Plan

Sam Hall

Outdoor Leadership

2014 Personal Training Plan

January 27, 2014

First, I would like to highlight on how close I came to succeeding and completing the personal training plan that I created last semester. My overall goals for the 2013 year consisted of becoming physically and emotionally stronger as well as building endurance. Although the original training plan that I set out for myself I didn't necessarily end up following, I was able to work towards and complete my goals of becoming physically and mentally stronger. I think becoming mentally stronger was my biggest concern. I’ve struggled with my anxiety for most of my life and last year I was finally able to feel as though I had some control over it. More than my anxiety though, I feel that I am capable of pushing myself farther each day. At the beginning of last semester I doubted whether or not I was as capable as everyone else in the program. Now, I have realized that we all have flaws and weaknesses, but as a whole cohort we are very capable of completing anything that we set our minds to.

Now that I have successfully injured myself only two weeks into the semester, this changes my training plan drastically. I wanted to focus less on weight training by limiting strength training to two days a week within my Power Pump class, the other three days I was devoting to skinning and skiing, and finally the weekends I would focus on my skills courses. With skinning and skiing no longer being an option I will be incorporating my cardio and endurance training on those days by running, snowshoeing and using the stair climber. I will also be working with Fran, my Power Pump instructor, in creating modifications for her class that  will focus on core and cardio. 

Currently my mental state has dropped since the accident. I’m disappointed in myself for falling and nearly ruining my chance at continuing in the program. It’s frustrating having to ask for assistance in performing simple tasks. I’m afraid of re-injuring myself so I am concerned that I will hold back in my recovery in order to protect myself. I understand that I have an amazing support system that is willing and able to help me in whatever I need, but I am so use to being fairly independent that it will take me a while to adjust. I hope to try and be as healthy as possible within my training plan in order to reduce my recovery time, and to continue to stay as positive and active as possible. Let’s just hope for the best, I plan to be back to normal by spring break. :)

safe & sound

avi all the time.

Here's a video and some photos of what me and my Avi class have been up to on Eaglecrest!
Verdict is...snow is pretty stable.

(Avi is short for Avalanche!!!!!)

Sorry about the video being sideways :/

Digging snow pits!

Anna skinning across avalanche debris

Artsy shot of my skis :)

Rachel & Tom, some pretty cool new exchange kids

Oh, the beautiful Anna!

Sunrise over Eaglecrest

A good end to the day, looking down into the valley

love life.

I'm so happy to be back in Juneau. Alaska is simply perfect. I don't have too much I'd like to share. I've been doing a bit of skiing. I'm currently in my Avalanche Fundamentals class, and so far it has been great. Today we buried beacons in the snow and practiced finding them, "rescue missions", it also involved a little backcountry skiing, which was definitely less of a fail that Wednesday, so I had a lot of fun. I have class tomorrow and I think we will focus more on the mechanics of snow. With the holiday on Monday I plan on hitting Eaglecrest, which should be great. :) Though, I'm starting to get a beer gut, so either the skiing isn't helping or I need to drink less when skiing. :(

I heard that Anna's sister enjoys reading my blog, so I'd just like to say thank you for reading! Anna truly is a great friend, I was just looking through my photos of last semester and Anna and I are always together! (and we're drinking in most of the photos as well :P ) I'd also like to thank you for the schnapps that you will be sending with your brother, I'm sure we will enjoy it immensely on our road trip from Anchorage to Fairbanks! I hope that this friendship that I have with Anna continues long after we have both returned to our respective homes, she's a very valuable friend.

Finally, here are a few photos from skiing on Friday, enjoy!

Riding the chair to the top of Ptarmigan

Getting ready to ski East Bowl down through Motherload

Michaela at the top of Ptarmigan looking down at East Bowl

Sun is finally poking through! Anna, Tom & Kyle

East Bowl

i'll be safe..

four tequila shots, three beers and the world's greatest
drinking partner at the Rendezvous.

Well Juneau, I couldn't have had a better welcome back! I started it the same way that I left it, at the Rendezvous, with the best drinking partner anyone could ask for. I can't wait to spend spring break with Anna Gutschi and I'm sure our drinking endeavors will continue through the semester, and hopefully carry out for a lifetime of crazy and sometimes messy adventures. Although, Anna and I are very different, she's a wonderful companion in every aspect of life. She is so supportive and very encouraging and super laid-back and I'm sure that this year would have been very different if she weren't here to spend it with me. :)

Right now I feel like so much is happening. This semester I'm taking roughly 20 credits, which is only 2 credits more than normal, but the 15 books I just purchased for school will definitely keep me more than preoccupied. A lot has happened over the past 5 months and I know that even more will in the following 6 months to come. I'm starting to plan a capstone trip in May with my friends (fellow ODS students) and this trip will definitely set me up for everything I want to do later in life, and that scares me. This trip will be huge, bigger than I could ever imagine and a lot can happen, a lot can go wrong. Last semester I felt that I was really pushed out of my comfort zone and I am starting to realize that, that wasn't even half of it. I'm so excited for what is to come and I am also very worried. I've struggled with my anxiety in the past, but this is a different type of anxiety, I think this is the good type of anxiety that people are meant to feel.

There are a few people (other than my drinking partner) that I'd like to mention. People that have stood by my side through every step of this. Of course, I have my parents to thank. They have listened to me bitch and complain, they have helped me financially and they have also pushed me when I needed a good shove. But, as usual, parents don't know everything. I want to thank the people who have listened to me frantically worry and maybe even got the chance to see that crazy woman living inside of my brain.

Mercede is definitely a good friend, I don't mind crying in front of her and apparently neither does she. She is one of the few people that I've become close with here in Juneau. Coming to Juneau was kind of my opportunity to start off fresh and leave the past behind. Most people know me as who I am now and not everything I've gone through to get to where I am. Although, Mercede and I decided long ago that we didn't like that part of it all, that we wanted someone who knew more about us. It has worked out for us quite well every since.

Douglas, we've only been friends for a little over a year, but man he knows me so well. I've shared so many stories that I'm sure he wished he never would have to hear, but he's been there for me every step of the way. I've done a lot, changed a lot since coming to Alaska and I think it only made our relationship stronger. I can't wait to see him, to hug him and tell him how much it means to me that he has been so supportive. 

Mendenhall Glacier and surrounding mountains caught in the fog.

decisions..decisions

So, I'm back home.

Financially, I'm overwhelmed. I know my parents didn't take all of the money I've spent over this past semester out of my account. I still have a substantial amount of money in the account, which should not exist. Bruce's didn't give me any hours this week, and I'm worried that it will be the same next week. I really want to spend this summer in Alaska, but I don't know if I'll find a job and I don't know where I will live and as much as Alaska makes me happy and gives me a sense of independence, I feel constantly reminded by how much I depend on my parents to transfer money around for me. I try to tell myself that I'm only 21 years-old, I'm still in school full-time, it's okay to depend on your parents, it's okay to ask for money. But then again, my parents weren't depending on anyone when they were my age, I'm pretty sure they moved into a house together and both worked full-time jobs. 

Now I'm talking about my financial situation with my parents. Essentially..I owe money.

Anyways..here are some photos of my break so far..

GPA: 3.78

Kristina & I reunited at last!

The boy that breaks my heart every time I see his eyes..

My girl, Magdirl

My person

This is where I spend all of my time..honestly..you can find me at Bruce's everyday..it's sad.

more adventures..

Driving up to Eaglecrest

Skinning Up..well I'm hiking up.

Nate and Miles taking off their skins..

I fell so many times, I was pretty use to hitting the ground at this point..

skinning up..

Just some photos that Gutschi got of me skinning up the mountain.

Nate & I

Nate let me borrow his skis to practice skinning up

I kept sliding back down the steep slope so I ended up having to zig-zag my way up

:)

oh..just a little light skiing

I went skiing today. And even though it was hard and mostly type II fun, that feeling that you get of just flying over the snow in a straight line is simply perfect. I'm so stoked to go again. For now..I'll leave you with just a few photos of my day. Anna Gutschi got a few good shots of me though and I'll include those in a later post! Oh, and I have a surprise.

Stausi

"The Gutsch" aka Coach

Nate & Gutschi

classy I know..

SURPRISE!!

one week left..

I said it. For the first time since arriving in Alaska I said, I'm ready to go home. I'm sorry for writing this, I know my family and friends want me to come home very much and I apologize if this post makes you a little sad. To be honest, I really do love it here, yesterday was just a bad day. I had plans and they fell through and a series of events just made me upset so I broke down and just felt that if I was home, that this wouldn't have happened. But bad days are everywhere. You can't avoid them. So yeah, yesterday was a bad day, but today was better.

There are two things I miss very much though, and although I try to satisfy my need, it's never enough. I miss Maggie (my dog) and dancing. Whenever I see a dog, I think the owner feels as though I might try and kidnap it! I definitely got some good dog loving today, but again, I can't wait to see my Mag-dirl! And dance, well, BAM is having their performance this weekend which is probably the most exciting thing I do all year. I love my BAMily, I love dancing and feeling the nerves right before you go out on stage. I love working all year on a project and finally being able to share it with the people you care about. Other than this blog I haven't really been able to share anything with the people I care about, dance was always something I could offer.

I want to share all of the photos I've been taking, but unfortunately I have a surprise for many people back home, so you'll just have to wait and see!

One week left!

Sunset over Auke Bay

Gage & I smooching

Sunset on The Towers with a reflection in Montana Creek

what do you love?

So, unfortunately I don't have anything new to report. I received two letters, one from Mam and one from Kristina, I'll be responding to them later tonight or tomorrow. I'll be home in less than two weeks and I can tell that my family is really, very excited. I'm excited to come home and to see my family and a few close friends. Other than that, I'm kinda ambivalent about leaving Alaska. I don't care that Alaska has a high alcoholic population, I don't care that they have the highest suicide rate than any other state, I don't care that the weather is cold or that there's little sunlight here in the winter, I don't care that I'm far from home. I like it here, I like that drama and gossip isn't everyone's main focus, I like watching people live for more than just what is posted on Facebook, tumblr, Instagram, I like looking outdoors and seeing mountains overwhelm my senses and make me feel humble, I like the feeling of cold crisp air on my lips, I like being surrounded by other people who are creating new goals and dreams every single day. I don't care if people think that hiking isn't a career, or that the people I've surrounded myself with make close to nothing, at least the people I surround myself with have something to live for, something that gets them out of bed in the morning and gives them that drive, I live to have a focus and passion and to follow it, maybe not to the end, but at least I'm doing what I love.

14 days.. :)

just some of my thanksgiving..

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I actually attended two thanksgivings, and thankfully didn't gorge myself too much! I'm so happy that I was able to spend this past semester with so many truly fantastic friends. I've met so many people across so many cultural backgrounds, I've had a few difficult times and definitely a few different experiences, but overall, I'm happy I made this decision. I thought I came to Alaska to get away from people, to get away from the drama, to get away from the monotonous grind, but I think I was actually running towards something, something much grander that I could even imagine. I've found a person inside of me that I really like and can live with, I hope when I come home that this person doesn't disappear, and I hope everyone else will like her. :)

our thanksgiving feast!

Mat's delicious turkey!

Homemade sangria :)

Homemade cranberry sauce!