hope.

First of all, I'd like to start by apologizing for the photo that I had posted earlier. I figured that since it was my blog I could really post whatever I liked, with that said, I understand that the photo was distasteful for the audience that reads my blog and I'll keep that in mind for future posts.

Now for an update. Last Wednesday I dislocated my right shoulder while on a backcountry skiing outing with my Outdoor Leadership class and had to hike 3 miles out to the trailhead where I then proceeded to get in a van, go to the ER, and wait patiently for the doctors to reduce my dislocation. I was then prescribed Vicodin (which I'm not really taking anymore) and have had one follow up doctor's appointment (which told me nothing that I didn't already know) and a MRI. My next follow up appointment will be this Thursday at 9:30am, I'm hoping that after the MRI readings that the doctor will have a better sense on whether or not I need surgery of if I simply need physical therapy for the next few months.

Forest, my ODS advisor, has informed me that if surgery is necessary that I will have to withdraw from the program because my recovery time will not allow me to continue on with the outdoor skills classes and I will be unable to attend the Capstone, which would mean that I wouldn't have the opportunity to complete the certificate. This news has really brought me down. I've been working so hard to be at the same skill and fitness level as everyone else, and now I feel as though all of that is lost.

I know I am getting ahead of myself, but the idea of surgery terrifies me. Not because doctors would be inside my shoulder cutting and sewing my ligaments, but because I wouldn't be able to finish something that I have worked so hard towards. What terrifies me even more is the idea that with surgery also means an end to this fantastic life that I've just now established here in Alaska. I'm not happy if I'm not surrounded by the people I love and doing the things I love. Not that I don't love my family in Maine, but I'd hate to have to leave all of this behind to literally sit on my ass and do nothing for a few months waiting for summer, waiting for recovery.

I know my family would want me to be home if I were to have surgery, but more than anything I want to be surrounded by the support system I've created here. I want to be able to walk out my door and see these views. I want to continue having my breath taken away with every new experience.

Maine simply cannot compare.

There isn't much more for me to say. I feel as though I have a lot of school work, physical training work coming up in the very near future. However, my thoughts have turned so negative and I have lost all motivation to even start anything because I worry that I will get bad news on Thursday. So until then..I guess all we can do is hope for the best.